The 1994 Tour of Adelaide
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The 1994 Tour of Adelaide

Day 1
El Presidente Paul, arrived at loyal subject Matthew’s residence (The Royal Lodge) at 11:00PM, with much to report regarding his self imposed control of his restless steed, and it’s misbehaviour in slowing down. Musical festivities were initiated, and rejoicing continued well into the night.

Day 2
After relaxing in the Royal Lodge, El Presidente treated his frisky mount to a choice selection of loyal subject Matthew’s old brake pads. The evening saw El Presidente don his best threads, to accompany loyal subject Matthew and peasant Simon (A mere peasant, due to his ownership of inferior beasts - namely R4’s and R12’s) in a tour of Adelaide’s splendid and varied entertainments. After inspecting Virgin internally, and leaving with some treasured musical delights, El Presidente expressed a need for some nourishment. A hastened journey was made to an appropriate establishment, where a delicious pizza was devoured, along with some fine Belgian Ale. The quest for musical delights was resumed, and many more shop visitations were made, culminating in a visit to an East Terrace cafe whereupon El Presidente’s newly discovered talent for self control, was exercised once again (‘nuff said). After relaxing and regaining composure, a short tour of Adelaides most popular streets, was made in loyal subject Matthew’s trusty steed. On return to the Royal Lodge, El Presidente demonstrated his dancing prowess, to his newly acquired musical sounds until the small hours, when
intoxicating liquids prevented further enjoyment.

Day 3
The day commenced with El Presidente and peasant Simon, travelling afar to procure new treasures. The merchant, hearing of the approaching visitation, spread his wares for El Presidente to view. To El Presidente’s delight, many jewels were obtained, with peasant Simon negotiating with the locals for their procurement.

The latter half of the day, involved travelling to Stonefield International Airport in order to view, and hopefully participate in things aerial. Unfortunately, time and weather were against our beloved El Presidente, with his feet remaining firmly on the ground. After being entertained by the locals, El Presidente participated in a World Environment Day bonfire, and demonstrated his remarkable and heroic skills, in preventing a lizard from certain death.

A secret route was chosen, to loyal subject Matthew’s country lodge at Eudunda. This allowed loyal subject Matthew to demonstrate his trusting steeds reliability and handling which shocked El Presidente greatly. Upon arrival at the country lodge, El Presidente was content to observe the activities of a somewhat distant relation of his Royal Airedale, and be challenged to battle by a deaf cat.

Day 4
After initial expectations of returning for an aerial inspection of the Stonefield area, the breaking of the South Australian drought, by El Presidente and his visit, brought great excitement and relief to the area. Returning to Adelaide by another secret route to avoid the massing crowds of people wishing to express their delight to El Presidente for bringing rain, and thereby saving them from financial ruin, El Presidente again expressed amazement to loyal subject Matthew, at just how long it can take to travel 110 Kilometres.
Once back at the Royal Lodge, El Presidente took control of his own mount again, and allowed peasant Simon into the hallowed interior for a rescue mission. Rear guard action was by loyal subject Matthew, on his own mount. The aim of the mission, was to revive loyal subject James’s Gordini from the effects of arthritis. After some struggle to control his frisky mount, El Presidente obtained use of loyal subject James’s stable, and decided to purge the evil from his own brakes. Unsuccessful in his actions, he despatched loyal subject Matthew, and peasant Simon, to search for a new master cylinder after chastising peasant Simon for laying the original to ruin. Whilst the loyal subject and peasant were searching, El Presidente waved his magic wand and revived the loyal subject James’s lethargic Gordini, bringing to it new heights of performance, hitherto unknown. There was much rejoicing amongst the assembled personage. Shortly after this event, loyal subject Matthew and peasant Simon returned from their lengthy journey bearing several gifts for El
Presidente. Unfortunately, El Presidente was not pleased with the offerings by peasant Simon, of an inferior 17TL component. Much to the horror of loyal subjects James, Matthew and peasant Simon, El Presidente commenced to refit the original master cylinder. All subjects and peasants left hastily to procure correct parts, to avoid certain damage, to El Presidente and his steed. On their return, they discovered that El Presidente had worked his magic, and had installed the previously available new seals to the old master cylinder. After testing and assembly, he thanked loyal subject James for the use of his stable and bade farewell. He returned to the Royal Lodge for nutrition and entertainment, provided by Severed Heads.

Day 5
Loyal subject Matthew awoke to the pleasant sounds and smells of a hearty egg and bacon breakfast. Expressing horror that El Presidente had taken it upon himself to cook, rather than let the loyal subject offer, he hastened to help with the kitchen duties. However, El Presidente was demonstrating his extremely competent food preparation abilities, and created a culinary delight for
his loyal subject, with no assistance required. Loyal subject Matthew then proceeded by foot to his place of work, leaving El Presidente exorcising the demons from his left caliper piston. Little is known about El Presidente’s further activities during the day, other than a report of an aquarium visitation. Come evening, loyal subject Matthew contacted El Presidente by means of the telephone, and asked if El Presidente could find time in his busy schedule to retrieve the aforementioned subject from his place of work, due to large amounts
of precipitation. Directions were given (Cross the traffic lights, turn left, turn left again) and El Presidente left. Much to loyal subject
Matthew’s surprise, El Presidente missed the second left hand turn, and proceeded down the wrong street. Loyal subject Matthew then attempted to meet El Presidente by making haste towards the intersection, and walking down the street that our beloved El Presidente drove along. El Presidente was then spotted driving at a great rate of knots towards the loyal subject, and then passing the loyal subject and turning down yet another wrong street, with no indication of having seen him. Loyal subject Matthew, having realised that God was not on his side, continued walking towards the Royal Lodge, getting steadily wetter and colder. Much to his surprise, not five
minutes later, Gordini headlights appeared down the street, and the Royal steed approached him at approximately Mach three. Loyal subject Matthew, putting great faith in the newly purged brakes, gesticulated wildly in the middle of the road in a last ditch attempt for a ride. Luckily he met with success, and the trip to the Royal Lodge was uneventful. Later in the evening, Peasant Simon visited the Royal Lodge, and conversation continued well into the night.

Day 6
Another day of work for the unlucky loyal subjects and Peasants meant the activities of El Presidente went largely unrecorded. The evening saw loyal subject Matthew playing his euphonium in the local band, whilst El Presidente was visiting his family relations.
After rehearsal, loyal subject Matthew bought a large packet of chips and six bottles of the finest local ale, and offered them to El Presidente for consumption. El Presidente kindly allowed the loyal subject to share the bounty and celebrations continued until the wee small hours.

Day 7
Once again, a work day for the local residents. It is generally believed that El Presidente continued on his normal trek of aquarium visitations. At tea time, El Presidente expressed a great desire to consume some fish and ice cream (not together), so a hasty trip was made in the Royal Steed to Barnacle Bill’s. After purchasing the largest available package of fishy bits, apologies were made by loyal subject Matthew regarding the non-existence of 7-11 emporiums, and a visitation to the Adelaide equivalent – Mobil Quix – was made. Fortunately, the sought after Honey ‘n Malt crunchy ice cream was found, and two tubs were duly purchased. A speedy return was made to the Royal Lodge where peasant Simon was met. Noisy consumption of the edibles proceeded.

Day 8
As the locals again had to earn their existence, the days happenings go largely unrecorded. The evening brought much bad news – loyal subject James’s Gordini had been severely mauled by an errant lesser vehicle. Little further news was available but inspection was planned by El Presidente and peasant Simon for the Friday. Loyal subject Matthew returned home at 10:30pm and was astonished to
discover El Presidente and the peasant bored in the Royal lounge. Full and frank discussions ensued regarding El Presidente’s earlier activities, followed by subdued musical listenings.

Day 9
El Presidente collected peasant Simon for an inspection visit of the deformed, distorted and somewhat gnarled Gordini belonging to loyal subject James. The damage was declared to be fairly minor with a doubled up bonnet, bent front bumper and shattered grille with minor damage to the front guards. A tour of southern purveyors of fifteen/seventeen parts revealed only a motley looking fifteen and a lemon yellow seventeen which we could not touch. Invitations to join the fifteen/seventeen register were left and a tour of coastal areas enjoyed by a youthful El Presidente ensued. On return to the magic cave, for running repairs to the Royal Steed, new sparking plugs were fitted along with the gearbox being reattached to prevent a reluctance of gear selection. Replacement of a wet injector
hose with a “good” spare injector saw the car sprayed with petrol at a pressure of 30 pounds per square inch, a spectacular sight enjoyed by all present. With the Royal Steed again performing to the best of it’s ability, El Presidente left peasant
Simon and the magic cave. Later in the evening El Presidente returned with a broken exhaust accompanied by loyal subject Matthew and Burger the unrefined (he owns no Renaults) in loyal subject Matthew’s trusty steed (TS). A trip was made to semi-loyal subject Grant’s (he owns a Fuego) abode in tandem with loyal subject Matthew and Burger the unrefined. El Presidente deemed his steed too
raucous and travelled to the city in semi-loyal subject Grant’s mellifluous Fuego. After El Presidente, all loyal subjects, semi-loyal subjects, peasants and unrefined’s consumed a culinary feast donated by semi- loyal subject Grant, a bee-line was made to view Thunderbirds Are Go!, a film which El Presidente enjoyed more watching through closed eyelids. After El Presidente had recovered
from the visual masterpiece of the Tracey family exploits, a trip was made to the local amusement parlour. A Grand Prix game was selected, and the results were unknown. A rally simulation was tried, but the tired El Presidente could not control the odd screen conception and continually finished the stage five to six seconds after loyal subject Matthew. On return to the Royal Lodge, a real-life version of Ridge Racer took place. Loyyal subject Matthew’s well groomed steed showed a clean pair of heels to El Presidente at the Darley Road intersection. Obviously upset, El Presidente undertook a wild inside overtaking manoeuvre barely clearing the well
kept flanks of loyal subject Matthew’s car. Unfortunately, due to censorship restrictions, the reaction of loyal subject Matthew and Burger the unrefined cannot be published. El Presidente displayed extreme surprise at his steed not responding to his commands, a lack of back pressure in his faulty exhaust was his excuse. Later, a secret route had to be selected to evade the local constabulary on the return to the Royal Lodge, due to the noisy nature of the Royal Steed.

Day 10
El Presidente returned to the magic cave, and, helped by peasant Simon, tried to silence his obstreperous steed. An SPC apricot tin, minus contents, was selected for the repair. The silicon sealant offered by peasant Simon was not to El Presidente’s liking, but was considered suitable. From this repair a measurable reduction of volume was achieved.

Day 11
( This section is intentionally left blank )

Day 12
On the final day of His Royal Visit, El Presidente and peasant Simon travelled in tandem to semi-loyal subject Grant’s house, to view video evidence of the Gorge road Gordini also known as the Royal Steed travelling up aforementioned road at the last Grand Prix. After nourishment at McDonalds, the semi-loyal subject and peasant bid farewell to El Presidente, wishing him a safe trip with peasant Simon
being allowed to lie on the ground to release the sticking rear handbrake caliper - a true privilege I’m sure.

0 0 1418 12 July, 2013 15/17 Register of Australia, Car Clubs July 12, 2013
Matt Bowden

About the author

You could call me a Renault addict as I have owned, repaired and restored Renaults for over 25 years. I'm always interested in things Renault, old and new.

View all articles by Matt Bowden

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